A Post

One fateful day in late March, I remember the date, my heart knows it all too well as the day it got that huge crack in it. My world became a very dark place. Before I was a happy person, I thought that life was going great and I had everything I could ever want. I was promised love no matter what and I believed it, for the first time in my life I actually believed it. Looking back now it seems it was a very stupid and foolish move of mine because a few days later that love was taken away.

That was when the world went dark. After all the fighting I had with myself to finally let go and the moment I do it all falls apart sort of made a big glaring point to me. It then seemed like everywhere I would turn I was greeted with ill-fated "help". Do this, do that, do the other, but none of it solved the real problem deep down. I had lost the trust in myself and in others and hearing "you need to grow up" or "just forget it" is not the least bit helpful.

I stopped talking to people. I kept it all to myself and just went on with life. I buried myself in my work because it was the only place that I was so damn busy I had no time to think of anything else. I did so much work that the people at work told me I did too much and I need not do so much. But truth be told, I felt like it was the only place I could do something right.

Once I stopped talking, people started to forget. They forgot my pain, I wanted them to, that is why I stopped talking. And I faked a smile whenever they would ask how I was because no one really wants to know the truth and I did not want to hear their words. The more I kept my mouth shut, the more numb my feelings became.

Then there was the night everything got worse. If I go into detail, then I will end crying so much I will not finish this and the past month I have tried very hard to put behind me the words I heard and the things that happened. The one who said those words had forgotten everything the very next day, but I still sadly carry everything with me. All I will say is that night, my heart shattered.

Two days later I got the love that was taken back. So happy and caught up in the moment I said yes. Truth be told, the answer would always have been the same no matter what. But I still had a lot of issues left over and for the better part of June I have been struggling with these.

I wondered whether anything I was doing was the right thing. I wondered if I would ever love or trust the same way again. I knew from that day in March I had changed a lot inside, I had grown up fast, but yet I knew that people around me still expected me to grow up some more. I did not say anything to anyone, I would not expect anyone to understand and it felt like something that I would have to do myself. I had done everything else myself the past months, so this I had to do too.

I went away to England. It is funny because I planned the trip before any of this, I wanted to go places and do things that would have normally made me happy because nothing was getting even close to that in the dark time. I knew I would end there still walking around and being fake happy, but I figured it would at the very least give me something to do.

As stupid as it sounds, it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I had landed in Germany and had started feel a little bit more like me, but I always was never quite there and certainly with all the trust. Going to England meant I was going to have no one but myself in a foriegn place.

It started off okayish, but I ended up crying my first night, the next morning and then the second night. I hated it. I did not want to be alone. But after that it started to get a lot better. I found everything I was looking for and a bit more. And now I really do feel like myself again and I am really happy again, but I feel a lot stronger than I did before all of this happened in the first place.

Daniel ... I have some things I want to say to you: Firstly, I would like to say the biggest thank you ever. I doubt I would have lasted in England the way that I did if it were not for you. While you kept screaming the loudest of everyone before for me to grow the fuck up, this time it seemed like you were the only one who did not say it to me. And it really meant a lot to me.

I had been finding it hard to trust that you were really back to stay and that you loved me, but I really needed you then and every time I would turn around, you would be there. You never once let go of my hand or looked at me like I was stupid, you just were there and you understood. I finally managed to put all that shit from the last few months behind me. And for once I did not come and tell you and ruin everything we had going (as much as I almost ended up writing those mails, I did not, so make a note that I did a good thing, okay? LOL). I found that trust that I had lost and I intend to keep it ... so don't go running off with Trish or Brian, okay? =P

I know that the trip was not easy for you. I know you thought I would somehow run off with someone else, but the only thing that happened was that I just fell more in love with you than I have been before. And that is the honest truth.

While we had always hoped our love would look more like that of the princess and the ranger (do not think I forget that story!) I think we somehow ended with the complete opposite. Our love is messy and complicated and no matter how hard we try we always end arguing, but truth be told, my love, I would not have it any other way. Your love has done so many things for me and if I would stay to list them all, I would be here the whole night. You take me to so many new places and make me be able to do things that I never thought I would ever be able to do in my whole life.

My lack of a way with words leaves me with nothing to say that is beautiful and poetic about our love, how I feel about you and all the thanks that I owe you. I have never once stopped loving you even for a second, you own my heart and nothing changes that.

And I know whenever I am having a bad day, then you always send me to one place and I thought I would find it and put it here for you =) so I hope you like it!

Noah: Would you just stay with me?
Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'
Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Allie: So what?
Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.


And no matter what, don't ever forget ... 8.3.1