Thoughts, I Guess ...

From what it appears in the post before this one, it would appear that I posted such thing as "love stinks". I did post something there, but it was not that. I did however come back here to post something, but upon seeing my supposed post, I really begin to wonder what I should be doing.

At the present time I am not even sure what to be thinking. I also feel like my jetlag has hit an all time high, or could it be a low. I am tired all the time, but yet I cannot sleep. It is making me feel all light-headed and today I even got to lose my appetite somewhere. My muscles are weak and I find it sometimes hard to do anything much at all. Somehow I wonder if it is that I am coming down with something or if I really just need to take some sleeping pills and not wake up for a week.

Someone I hold very close to my heart once told me that it is the things that one says to others in private that always do the most damage and the things that are said on things like blogs are just false and full of bullshit. I would like to say that yes, some of the things that are said on blogs are just full of shit, but not everything is that way. Some of the things really so come from the heart and do mean a great deal to the people who wrote them down.

And I would also like to point out that the things in private are not so much the things that cause the most damage, they are the things that mean the most to us. They can mean the most in either a good way or in a bad, which means that yes, they are the things that can cause the most hurt, but they are also the things that can cause the most joy.

I did not come here to write anything for a particular reason, I just came here to write. I cannot sleep and I am so full of so many different emotions that I really should just go ahead and write it and get it out. Maybe then I can finally get some sleep before I have to go to work, although I do not hold a lot of hope in that.

Today is a somewhat joyous occassion as it marks not only 18 months since Daniel and I began our journey together, but also 22 months since the day that we first met. It is funny because, I still remember that day in October like it was almost yesterday and how time flies to think of all the many things that have happened in the middle to get us to the point that we are at today.

However, being that I have ruined any hope or chance of a celebration of said occassion, I will instead be reflecting upon myself as a human being as well as the relationship. Mostly because myself as a human being is what is having a direct impact upon the current situation within said relationship. If it would not have been for me, we would not have ended where we are.

And while to some it may seem like nothing at all, just a passing phase, to me it seems to be like the end of the whole world. Everything that I have known and loved and built up is starting to come crashing down around me and there is very little that I can do about it. It is not within my control to stop it or save it, I am the creator of this mess and only when the storm has passed and the ruins lay all around me will I gain any sense of control back in order to start to clean it up - if I ever would or could.

I do not think that love stinks. I do think that love hurts, but only because when one loves another so much, there is no way that it possibly could not hurt. And the hurt does not always have to be in a bad way, but in the way that if you would love them anymore, then you would explode. When it hurts in the bad way, it is because we are so close to the other person that we become so vunerable to every little thing that they say or do or feel that it becomes easier to both hurt and be hurt.

I myself do so much of the first thing that I wonder how I even live my life. I wonder how it is that I would be with someone so fantastic and then just want to throw it all away. I constantly make mistakes, I trip over, I stumbe, I fall, I go and hurt people ... I wonder how many mistakes it is that one gets to make before one fails? I must be nearing the failure line at the rate that I am going.

On a good day I would see and think and believe that I am a person who is actually worthy of being loved, but at times like these I wonder why anyone would ever even think of loving me at all. Loving me must be the hardest job in the world and yes, it is a job because I cannot see why anyone would take it up willingly if they knew the hell that I would cause within their life.

I suppose there is actually only one person here who would ever know how hard it is and the million kinds of hell that I can place upon any one person. In fact, there has only ever been one person my whole life who would know its many depths. I doubt that anyone would ever want to see it or know it or experience it. I suppose that is why there has only ever been one special person, everyone else just didn't even bother to look my way.

Daniel, I don't think or expect that you would read this, but if you do, then I would like to apologise to you. I want to say sorry for imposing the hell that is me and my life upon you. You do not deserve any little part of that torture and hell and I can see why it would make you so upset. I know that being with me is not easy at all and yet somehow you have still wanted to be around, even after all this time.

I am not going to ask for you to forgive me for anything that I have done. I know that I would not forgive myself and I never will. You have every right to feel the way that you do towards me, but all I ask is that you do not take my faults and mistakes out upon yourself and other people.

I do not know what I did to deserve you, but somewhere along the bumpy road of my life, I must have done something good. Unfortunately, you do not deserve me and all the shit that I put you through, you deserve so much better than all of this. I thank you for spending 669 days with me through everything that has come our way. The wish that is deep in my heart is that I could keep the count going and one day when we are old then you would read to me the story of the ranger and the princess, but I will leave that up to you.

No matter what happens, I will never ever stop loving you. Not even for a second.