deserved

as some of you know, i was always the bad boy. in school. at home. with friends. i was the rebel without or with a cause. i did many things i regert now when i look back. and others i still did not understand the consequences. for my entire life i was looking at people and blaming them for turning me into what i am today. i was looking for excuses why all of that had to happen to me. i just assumed it were those people and not me. like i did not deserve to be treaten that way. like i was a good boy deep down and people just did not see it. i blamed everyone but me.
last night it just clicked. it has never been them. it was me all the time. some people are like little angles. without the wings. they bring out the best in people. being around them makes you feel better and you do things you never thought you were capable to do. my grandma was such a person. she was the most amazing person i have ever met in my entire life. she was good from the heart and all her soul. she saw so many bad things happening, but she never once lost her faith. her faith in other people. and she tried to protect me. when i was with her i felt so safe and good. like i was worth something and i was loveable. i never met a person like her ever after she passed away. with her the good things died. i never said "thank you" enough. i just hope she knew how much she meant to me.
those people are hard to find in the world. they do not show off like others. they just pop in your life and safe you from something bad. you don´t even know that in that very moment. it all just happens later, when you realised back then you could have gone down the wrong road. those people are really special. i do not know if i will ever meet such a person again.
i thought i did. but as i realise now, i was wrong. i was very wrong. things like that often happen to me. they always did. maybe i am blind. colorblind in a way. like color blind people can´t see green or red. and maybe i am too blind to see the peoples true intentions. maybe i am blind to the bad, because i am bad myself. i am one of the people who brings out the very bad in other people. even the soft hearted people get poisend by me. and then i go around and look for others to blame, when the blame should be placed on me and me alone. i made my family be what they are now. and i realised and accepted it now. finally. i want to apologise at my mum and dad for blaming them for everything that they did to me when i was younger. i know i was a bad kid and it was all my fault. i know that during my youth i met some people who were good guys and i lead them down the wrong way and they ended so much worse than they would have without me in their lives.
every single time people hurt me, i deserved it and the excuses i made up were evil lies i found to not face the fact that the answer is so simple. i bring out the bad in people. i am like some weird way of bad force. like i poison their soul and heart. i steal their good sides. and i do not even know why i do it. there is no reason i do it. till last night i did not even know i did it. but now it lies so crystal clear in front of me. its all right there.
in case someone reads this, i apologise for doing that to you, if i did. i will find a way to stop doing it. but till i do, i know i deserve all the pain and hurt i have to feel for being who i am. i will not pull up a fight, i will let you hit and hurt me. i am tired of fighting against it and since i realised the truth behind it, i also accept that there is no reason to fight.
it is easier to hurt some people and i am one of them. the difference is, i deserve it. different from other people. different from the people i lead down the bad road. i am very scared of the last option to stop it. i will look for other ways, but if in the end that is the only way of breaking the bad, i will do it. i know i deserve it. its a weird feeling of cold peace to accept it finally.
it was my mistake to trust people and let them close and give them access to all parts of my sould and weakness. without knowing i was poisoning them aswell. i opened them a place to stick their knives in many times. and as i know, the inside died many weeks ago. maybe months or years. its dead flesh that you see at the butcher. it is not the pain of the knife anymore. it is the pain of the fact that people i trusted and loved do it with a smile on their face. but then again it makes me realise i am a piece of shit and scum. i do deserve every single pain and hurt. as for ´now, i can´t take it. but i will. feel free to hurt me, i will give in to it. i deserve it.