i´ll keep walking the line...

i do not wanna hear people tell me i should take a look at the positive side. i know there is one. i am not an idiot. but right now, i do not wanna look at it.
because at this very moment it just hurts. in two years time i know i will look back and feel relief or even happiness and all that jazz. i know. but we do not live in the future. we live in the here and now. and the here and now sucks big time.
i know i like new york and i know one more week here with all the free tickets is great and under normal circumstances i would enjoy the days here.
i am not sure people will ever understand how much it would have meant to me to just hold her in my arms one single moment. just so i KNOW how it feels instead than just closing my eyes and dreaming about it.
i would like to get off the plane and see her and not other people hugging their partner or loved ones. i just wanted to be the one that hugs my partner. i know people come up to me now and tell me that xmas will be better and i know it. but i wonder what i did wrong to not get it now? i wonder what i did wrong to not get it at the beginning of the year? i wonder what i did wrong that i did not get it last summer? and i ignore the people telling me it is not right. or that all of this is a hint. its not. i know it is right. and i know i will keep walking till i am finally allowed to hug her. and if she decides then that i am not what she wants, then i can accept it. but i will not accept it now, because i know that what happens to me atm is not right. it does not feel right and for sure it is not fair. not fair towards her and not fair towards me. it is wrong what they do. it hurts her. i could live with the fact that it sucks to sleep in a room with 4 people and get free tickets for the MOMA. but i can not live with the fact that it hurts her and that she is there alone and that she spent all that money and that again i failed at being there.
i am scared that one day she will stop waiting or find someone who is actually there. i had to live with that fear for 17 months, but it went okay. just in moments like this it hits me harder knowing how fragil it is what we have. and how a situation like this can move between us and push her away from me.
but then again, looking back at our history we survived harder shit than this. and if this is another test on my way to her, to check if i am stubborn enough to keep walking, i have to dissapoint the ones that put their money on me giving up. because i will not give up and i will not stop walking. and if they make me swim, i will fucking swim. and if i have to grow wings to fly, i will do that aswell. and if they make me build a raft, i will do that. and if they make me wait, i will wait. but i will not give up on this. and knowing i will do all that makes me realise that i stand here in the city that never sleeps and i know that i do the right thing. people can shake their heads as often or as long as they want, but i know what i feel and it feels right!

jess if you read this, i love you. don´t stop trusting people!